The Nightmail Wars of 2k16

There are certain idiosyncrasies to BJU that can actually be a ton of fun. Nightmail is one of those idiosyncrasies. I can’t be entirely sure of the practice’s origins, but I imagine it had something to do with the days of stricter rules–back when men and women students were only allowed to socialize in the snack shop or dating parlor. When a guy could walk a girl down the “snail trail” back to her dorm after dinner…and that was it. That was dating life at BJU. So I imagine nightmail had something to do with all of that.

What is nightmail, you ask?

Nightmail is a campus mail system. Every night, one of the men’s societies grabs the mail that is headed toward the women’s side of campus, drops it off at the appropriate dorm, picks up the mail that is headed to the men’s side of campus, and brings it back with them. The system is simple. You label the item with the recipient’s name and room number, then bring it to your dorm lobby and place the item in the box for the appropriate dorm on the other side of campus.

I assume that, back in the day, this form of correspondence was used primarily for love notes. My dad once recalled the amount of perfume that filled his dorm lobby when nightmail was dropped off. However, with the advent of cell phones and relaxation of dating rules, nightmail is now used for other things. It can be a convenient way to borrow a book, for example. Or you can pull pranks. It is the perfect way to prank.

Granted, I haven’t pulled a nightmail prank in a good long while. I haven’t done any pranking at all in a good long while, for that matter. So it was time to start a nightmail war.

It all started with the balloon hats.

A Saturday outreach had a tent set up in a local park, and they made balloon hats and balloon animals for the kids. So naturally, people were coming back to campus for lunch wearing balloon hats. But not everyone was a fan.

One male friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, happened to be at lunch with Jessany and me when he expressed his distaste for the balloon hats. I believe his exact words were, “I just want to pop them with a fork.” Not cool, dude. Not cool. Unlike the balloon hats themselves, which are, in fact, awesome. And so Jessany and I decided that he needed bubble wrap therapy.

The plan became elaborate. A large roll of bubble wrap was purchased. And then we decided that he also needed confetti balloons, and noisemakers, and helicopter stickers. All of this was placed in the happiest gift bag we could find and sent off to the aforementioned man.

And then the revenge came.


That’s right. A horsehead mask. And apples. So we stepped up our game. The last things we sent: an odd-looking rainbow-colored mutant unicorn/bear, a pink blowup princess crown, a coloring book of kittens, and crayons. Man cards were apparently lost that night.


So the crown and mutant unicorn/bear were returned with a pineapple.

Round 3 is in the works. Stay tuned.




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