A Glimpse Into My Mental State

*Disclaimer: this post is meant to make you laugh, not pity me.

Three weeks into grad school. Three. Weeks. Why did I do this? I have no idea. There were reasons. There must have been reasons. I just can’t remember what those reasons were.

I wake up, I either go to work or to class, I spend the day at work or in class, I go to choir (the best part of my life, currently), I get dinner, I do homework, I go to bed. And this is different from undergrad how? Well… in undergrad, I had time to sit down for lunch. And I occasionally saw my friends. And I had enough free time to notice that I had lived through a day. Right now, from the time I wake up on Monday until the time I go to sleep on Friday, everything is a giant blur. A week. Five minutes. There’s no difference.

In the last three weeks, I have contemplated dropping out of school more times than I did in all four years of undergrad.

Last night, I was in the library reading How to Write a Master’s Thesis–one of my textbooks. I was joined by a couple of friends who asked me how I was doing. I attempted to smile… and then they saw the title of the book. And they laughed and snapped a picture.

masters

Yup. That photo is an accurate representation.

There’s a lot going on at home. Work has been stressful. School… But I’m good. I’m good.

I found out what the next two years will look like in the course of one class period. That wasn’t overwhelming. Not at all.

Oh, sure, I can drop everything and go on choir tour in Chicago for a week in the spring. And raising $400-500 for that trip is not an obstacle.

I am not on the verge of a mental breakdown. Nope.

I am past the point of feeling feelings. Mostly, I just start laughing at everything. There is not one ounce of “caring” left in me. Apathy is the new normal.

But I know that’s not good. That’s not right. So I woke up this morning. I decided that today was going to be awesome. I got into my awesome bubble, and nothing else is going to be allowed inside that bubble today. I declared this to my roommate. Then I promptly left my phone behind and had to go back for it. Which caused me to miss the shuttle to work. So I made the 15-minute walk to work. In heels. An excess amount of coffee may be needed to maintain the awesome bubble today…

I need a lake and a kayak. So I could paddle the kayak angrily or stressfully as needed. However, having neither lake nor kayak readily available, I will need to come up with alternative self-treatments. Perhaps I should get some confetti. I could keep it in my bag and throw handfuls of it at random passersby. Or I could start a flashmob in the dining common. I’ve always wanted to do that.

How are you doing, Mikayla?

Well, I’m in grad school.

That is the simplest, most accurate way of putting it. I’m in grad school.

 

 

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